Christmas Gift to Myself

The Gift 

of 

Possibility

It was Christmas in Boston. Everyone, it seemed, was accompanied by someone else smiling or laughing. I was alone.

By Esmeralda Santiago from Reader's Digest | December 2011/January 2012

That Christmas Eve, the streets of Boston were clogged with tourists and locals bundled in wool and flannel. Shoppers, hawkers, and gawkers whirled and swirled around me. “Frosty the Snowman,” “Let It Snow!” and “Jingle Bells” played in stores; on the sidewalks, the street musicians did their best. Everyone, it seemed, was accompanied by someone else smiling or laughing. I was alone.

The eldest of a Puerto Rican family of 11 children growing up in New York’s crowded tenements, I’d spent much of my life seeking solitude. Now, finally, at 27, a college student in the midst of a drawn-out breakup of a seven-year relationship, I contemplated what I’d so craved, but I wasn’t quite sure I liked it. Every part of me wanted to be alone, but not at Christmas.

My family had returned to Puerto Rico, my friends had gone home during the holiday break, and my acquaintances were involved in their own lives. Dusk was falling, and the inevitable return to my empty apartment brought tears to my eyes. Blinking lights from windows and around doors beckoned, and I wished someone would emerge from one of those homes to ask me inside to a warm room with a Christmas tree decorated with tinsel, its velvet skirt sprinkled with shiny fake snow and wrapped presents.

I stopped at the local market, feeling even more depressed as people filled their baskets with goodies. Dates and dried figs, walnuts, pecans, and hazelnuts in their shells reminded me of the gifts we received as children in Puerto Rico on Christmas Day, because the big gifts were given on the morning of the Feast of the Epiphany, on January 6. I missed my family: their rambunctious parties; the dancing; the mounds of rice with pigeon peas; the crusty, garlicky skin on the pork roast; the plantain and yucca pasteles wrapped in banana leaves. I wanted to cry for wanting to be alone and for having achieved it.

In front of the church down the street, a manger had been set up, with Mary, Joseph, and the barn animals in expectation of midnight and the arrival of baby Jesus. I stood with my neighbors watching the scene, some of them crossing themselves, praying. As I walked home, I realized that the story of Joseph and Mary wandering from door to door seeking shelter was much like my own history. Leaving Puerto Rico was still a wound in my soul as I struggled with who I had become in 15 years in the United States. I’d mourned the losses, but for the first time, I recognized what I’d gained. I was independent, educated, healthy, and adventurous. My life was still before me, full of possibility.

Sometimes the best gift is the one you give yourself. That Christmas, I gave myself credit for what I’d accomplished so far and permission to go forward, unafraid. It is the best gift I’ve ever received, the one that I most treasure.

• Esmeralda Santiago’s six books include the bestselling memoir When I Was Puerto Rican and the new novel Conquistadora.

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Christmas Miracle 2

Sharing the Sweetness

As hard as you try to break with family tradition, your heart remains at home on the holidays.

By Tayari Jones from Reader's Digest | December 2011/January 2012

On the 25th of December, my mother expects her children to be present and accounted for, exchanging gifts and eating turkey. When she pulls on that holiday sweater, everybody better get festive. Of course, I would be the first Jones sibling to go rogue. As the middle, artist child, I was going to strike out and do my own thing, make some new traditions. From a biography of Flannery O’Connor, I drew inspiration — I would spend the holiday at an artist colony!

No one took the news very well. From the way my mother carried on, you would think that I was divorcing the family. Still, I held my ground and made plans for my winter adventure in New Hampshire. The MacDowell Colony was everything I could have wished for. About 25 to 30 artists were in attendance, and it was as, well, artsy as I had imagined. It felt like my life had become a quirky independent film.

By Christmas Eve, I had been at the colony more than a week. The novelty of snowy New England was wearing off, but I would never admit it. Everyone around me was having too much fun. Sledding and bourbon! Deep conversations by the fireplace! And that guy with the piercings. So cute! What was wrong with me? This was the holiday I’d always dreamed of. No plastic reindeer grazing on the front lawn. No football games on TV. Not a Christmas sweater anywhere in sight. People here didn’t even say “Christmas,” they said “holiday.” Utter sophistication. Then why was I so sad?

Finally, I called home on the pay phone in the common room. My dad answered, but I could barely hear him for all the good-time noise in the background. He turned down the volume on the Stevie Wonder holiday album and told me that my mother was out shopping with my brothers. Now it was my turn to sulk. They were having a fine Christmas without me.

Despite a massive blizzard, a large package showed up near my door at the artist colony on Christmas morning. Tayari Jones was written in my mother’s beautiful handwriting. I pounced on that parcel like I was five years old. Inside was a gorgeous red-velvet cake, my favorite, swaddled in about 50 yards of bubble wrap. Merry Christmas, read the simple card inside. We love you very much.

As I sliced the cake, everyone gathered around — the young and the old, the cynical and the earnest. Mother had sent a genuine homemade gift, not trendy or ironic. It was a minor Christmas miracle that one cake managed to feed so many. We ate it from paper towels with our bare hands, satisfying a hunger we didn’t know we had.

• Tayari Jones is the author of three novels, most recently Silver Sparrow.

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Christmas Miracle

The Gold and Ivory Tablecloth

A pastor’s impulsive purchase leads to an incredible reunion. Coincidence—or divine guidance? You be the judge in this story of a true Christmas miracle.

By Rev. Howard C. Schade from Reader's Digest Magazine | December 1954

At Christmastime, men and women everywhere gather in their churches to wonder anew at the greatest miracle the world has ever known. But the story I like best to recall was not a miracle—not exactly.

It happened to a pastor who was very young. His church was very old. Once, long ago, it had flourished. Famous men had preached from its pulpit, prayed before its altar. Rich and poor alike had worshiped there and built it beautifully. Now the good days had passed from the section of town where it stood. But the pastor and his young wife believed in their run-down church. They felt that with paint, hammer, and faith, they could get it in shape. Together they went to work.

But late in December, a severe storm whipped through the river valley, and the worst blow fell on the little church—a huge chunk of rain-soaked plaster fell out of the inside wall just behind the altar. Sorrowfully the pastor and his wife swept away the mess, but they couldn’t hide the ragged hole. The pastor looked at it and had to remind himself quickly, “Thy will be done!”

The joyful purpose of the storm that had knocked a hole in the wall of the church was now quite clear.

But his wife wept, “Christmas is only two days away!”

That afternoon the dispirited couple attended an auction held for the benefit of a youth group. The auctioneer opened a box and shook out of its folds a handsome gold-and-ivory lace tablecloth. It was a magnificent item, nearly 15 feet long. But it, too, dated from a long-vanished era. Who, today, had any use for such a thing? There were a few halfhearted bids. Then the pastor was seized with what he thought was a great idea. He bid it in for six dollars and fifty cents.

He carried the cloth back to the church and tacked it up on the wall behind the altar. It completely hid the hole! And the extraordinary beauty of its shimmering handwork cast a fine, holiday glow over the chancel. It was a great triumph. Happily he went back to preparing his Christmas sermon.

Just before noon on the day of Christmas Eve, as the pastor was opening the church, he noticed a woman standing in the cold at the bus stop.

“The bus won’t be here for 40 minutes!” he called, and he invited her into the church to get warm.

She told him that she had come from the city that morning to be interviewed for a job as governess to the children of one of the wealthy families in town but she had been turned down. A war refugee, she had imperfect English.

The woman sat down in a pew and chafed her hands and rested. After a while, she dropped her head and prayed. She looked up as the pastor began to adjust the great gold-and-ivory lace cloth across the hole. She rose suddenly and walked up the steps of the chancel. She looked at the tablecloth. The pastor smiled and started to tell her about the storm damage, but she didn’t seem to listen. She took up a fold of the cloth and rubbed it between her fingers.

“It is mine!” she said. “It is my banquet cloth!” She lifted up a corner and showed the surprised pastor that there were initials monogrammed on it. “My husband had the cloth made especially for me in Brussels! There could not be another like it!”

For the next few minutes, the woman and the pastor talked excitedly together. She explained that she was Viennese, that she and her husband had opposed the Nazis and decided to leave the country. They were advised to go separately. Her husband put her on a train for Switzerland. They planned that he would join her as soon as he could arrange to ship their household goods across the border.

She never saw him again. Later she heard that he had died in a concentration camp.

“I have always felt that it was my fault—to leave without him,” she said. “Perhaps these years of wandering have been my punishment!”

The pastor tried to comfort her, urged her to take the cloth with her. She refused. Then she went away.

As the church began to fill on Christmas Eve, it was clear that the cloth was going to be a great success. It had been skillfully designed to look its best by candlelight.

After the service, the pastor stood at the doorway; many people told him that the church looked beautiful. One gentle-faced, middle-aged man—he was the local clock-and-watch repairman—looked rather puzzled.

“It is strange,” he said in his soft accent. “Many years ago, my wife—God rest her—and I owned such a cloth. In our home in Vienna, my wife put it on the table”—and here he smiled—“only when the bishop came to dinner!”

The pastor suddenly became very excited. He told the jeweler about the woman who had been in church earlier in the day.

The startled jeweler clutched the pastor’s arm. “Can it be? Does she live?”

Together the two got in touch with the family who had interviewed her. Then, in the pastor’s car, they started for the city. And as Christmas Day was born, this man and his wife—who had been separated through so many saddened Yuletides—were reunited.

To all who heard this story, the joyful purpose of the storm that had knocked a hole in the wall of the church was now quite clear. Of course, people said it was a miracle, but I think you will agree it was the season for it!

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Sexy Marriage Secrets

7 Secrets to a Sexy Marriage

7 secrets to a sexy marriage.

                        By Sarì Harrar and Rita DeMaria | Ph.D. from Reader's Digest | February 2007

Every marriage has its bumps, and they can pop up at any time. What’s important is that you learn to navigate them smoothly — before they send your relationship into a ditch.

No matter how far along the marriage highway you’ve gone, there are some simple, fundamental rules of the road. Putting them into practice isn’t always easy, but it’s critical. If you do play by the rules, you’ll make your marriage stronger, and the good stuff — fun, sex, trust, affection — will be better than ever.

1. Build up your love balance. Boredom, frustration and everyday irritations can douse the spark between you and your spouse — and more of the same certainly won’t feed the flame. Making the good stuff your top priority will. Here’s how to do it:

First, consider that it takes up to 20 positive statements to outweigh the harm done by one negative one — or by a steely squint or impatient “humph.” So do more of the former, less of the latter. Compliment your wife on her new shoes, or your husband on his new blue shirt. Thank him for helping around the house. Dial her office for a quick “thinking of you” check-in (don’t discuss household chores or bad report cards).

Be sure these compliments and thank-yous are heartfelt and specific: “I can always count on you to make sure my car is safe and ready to use.” “This new tablecloth is nice — you’re always thinking of ways to make our home pleasant.” Make eye contact when you smile or deliver a compliment. Try a little joyful noise (a happy sigh, say) when giving a loving touch.

Once you take this approach, you’ll realize that, in addition to knowing how to push Mr. or Mrs. Right’s hot buttons, you know how to push his or her joy buttons too (and we don’t just mean sex). After all, that’s how this whole thing started. It won’t be long before you appreciate that it’s always the right time for small acts of love. Give him a “glad to see you” hug and kiss when you get home. Surprise her with coffee in bed on a rainy Sunday (then stay to talk). Revel in the best qualities; let faults slide. Flash your “I’m so happy we’re here together” smile as you schlep the recycling bin to the curb. Resolve to enjoy a long kiss before you turn in each night. You do little things for your kids. Why not for your spouse?

2. Reach out. Human touch aids the release of feel-good endorphins, for giver and receiver. So link arms as you walk into the grocery store. Brush her cheek with your fingertips when you smooch good morning. Revive the ways you touched in the early days — a kiss on the back of the ear, a hand through her hair. Touch is a complex language. It pays to improve your vocabulary.

Adding more of this kind of touch will help you build a fortress of love. That’s important, because a couple who form a tight unit can weather any storm (and are better able to stave off infidelity). How do you build this bond? First, support your soul mate. Take his or her side whenever possible if trouble arises in the “outside world.” Keep your spouse’s secrets to yourself, even when everyone at work spills theirs. Except in a true emergency, don’t let anything interrupt “us” time. That’s what voice mail and bedroom-door locks are for.

Speaking of “us” time: Make a commitment to spend up to 30 minutes a day chatting with each other about everyday plans, goals and, yes, dreams. One rule: no household-management or “what about our relationship” talk. This is time to build a friendship. Studies show that being friends pays off over time, ensuring a closer, sexier union. And don’t forget to make time for intimacy, even if you must log it in your day planner. Schedule sex? Absolutely, if necessary. Spontaneity is great, but if either of you hungers for affection or physical love, don’t wait for that special moment.

Another thing you shouldn’t wait for: chances to celebrate success. Super Bowl victors. World Series champs. Gold-medal skiers. They all have one thing in common: When they win, they party. And even small victories deserve recognition. If your marriage is humming along, that alone is worth celebrating. Dine out where you proposed. Or book a midwinter-deal trip to Paris. You’ve earned it.

3. Remember — nobody’s perfect. It’s tempting to blame your spouse when you feel angry, disappointed, bored, betrayed or stressed out about your marriage. Then it’s a short hop to seeing your mate as the one who must change for the marriage to improve.

That’s a cop-out. Trying to improve your spouse puts him or her on the defensive and casts you in a dreary role. The result? Nobody changes. Nobody takes responsibility. Everyone is unhappy. And making your spouse the bad guy means ignoring the 90 percent of him or her that’s good.

The true fix: Change yourself. When you address your own flaws and seek the best in your spouse, magic happens. Optimism increases. Your spouse feels better because he or she feels appreciated, not chastised. And you both feel motivated to change in ways that lead to even more joy.

One tip to help get you thinking this way: Adopt the Japanese philosophy of imperfection, wabi sabi (“wah-bee sah-bee”), which applies well to real-life love. Next time your guy or gal does something annoying, take a breath, mutter “wabi sabi” and remind yourself that his or her intentions are good, even if the execution isn’t. At the same time, don’t ignore what’s good in your spouse. Each day this month, pick something, big or small, that you like about him or her. Then name it. For example: “My wife is thoughtful” or “My husband makes me laugh.” Then think of a specific act that backs it up: “She brushed the snow off my windshield last week.” “If I’m feeling blue, he’ll joke me out of it.”

Finally, honor your own imperfections. Sometimes we blame ourselves for all that’s off kilter in our marriage. Too much guilt can paralyze. So, think of qualities you value, tell yourself you have them and think up real-world examples. “I am loving and kind — I gave my spouse the last cookie yesterday.” “I am honest — I tell her what I’m really thinking.”

4. Add some zing. The classic advice experts give to singles seeking a perfect match: Be “the one” to attract “the one.” Same goes in marriage. The happier you feel, the happier your marriage will be, and the easier it will be to manage conflicts. If 15 minutes of morning yoga, a switch to decaf, or a new hobby gives you a relaxed zing, the good feelings can’t help but lead to happier, richer moments together.

Meanwhile, admit it: You used to fuss over your hair and obsess over the sexiest item to wear to bed. Now, it’s stained sweats and a ratty Rolling Stones T-shirt. Time to spruce up your look. Comb that mane, brush those teeth and throw on a new robe. Feeling good about the way you look makes your eyes sparkle. You’re more likely to make eye contact. That sends a spark to your spouse. You know what to do next!

5. Always fight fair. Conflict is a normal, even healthy, part of any marriage. What’s important is how you handle it. In a Florida study of longtime couples, joint problem-solving ability was cited as a key factor for 70 percent of satisfied pairs; just 33 percent of unsatisfied couples had mastered this skill. With the right tools and attitude, conflict becomes a gateway to deeper intimacy — the chance to be seen and loved for who you truly are, to accept your mate’s adorable, vulnerable real self, and to build a strong union without caving in or silently seething.

First, steer clear of criticism, confrontation and hostility. They’re like gas on a fire. University of California researchers who followed 79 couples for more than a decade found that early divorcers fought long and loud and were always on the attack — or the defensive. Happy couples, on the other hand, avoid verbalizing critical thoughts, keep discussions from escalating, and don’t use absolutes like “never” and “always.”

If a fight does start, try to change the subject, inject gentle humor, empathize or show your spouse extra appreciation. Too late? Call a truce, walk away and cool off for a while.

6. Pick the right time and place. Don’t start potentially tough talks if you’re not well rested and well fed. Hunger and fatigue can unleash nasty remarks and dark thoughts. Ban booze for the same reason. Save it for when you’ve achieved detente. That’s worth a toast.

Don’t ever try to deal with serious marital issues if you’ve got one eye on something else. Turn off the TV, the phone, the laptop. Close the catalog.

If you’re distracted or going out the door, pick another time to talk. You can’t resolve conflicts on the fly.

Remember, too, that how you handle these situations doesn’t just affect you. Is the conversation G-rated? Will it end happily? If not, stop and reschedule for when the kids aren’t around. When they are, keep things respectful and productive. Research shows that children thrive (and absorb good relationship skills) when parents resolve issues constructively, but develop insecurities and behavior problems when exposed to hopeless shoutfests.

7. Open your ears. The single most powerful step you can take to keep a marriage solid? Speak less and listen more. Blame, insults, criticism and bullying predict a bad end, or at least a living hell. When talk turns combative, don’t interrupt, offer a solution or defend yourself too soon. When feelings are at issue, they need to be heard. So nod, rephrase or provide a soft “um-hum” to show you honor the emotions behind the words. Sometimes, all we really need to do to feel closer to someone is pay closer attention to what it is that they’re saying.

International Angel

Paula Lucas: International Angel

Paula Lucas dreamed of being able to help battered women living overseas. In 2001, she started Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center. Today they bring one family safely home to the United States each month.

By Melba Newsome from Reader's Digest | March 2012

• Our hero: Paula Lucas, 53
• Where she lives: Portland, Oregon
• Her cause: Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center (AODVCC)

In 1999, Paula Lucas stood before an officer at the American Embassy in Abu Dhabi and detailed the abuses—the punches and slaps, the withering criticisms, the psychological manipulations—she and her three children had endured at the hands of her Lebanese-born husband. 

But she was trapped: In the United Arab Emirates (UAE), beating up your wife and kids is not illegal. To her horror, the officer told her the embassy could not protect her. “I was naive,” says Lucas, who grew up in California. “I thought my American freedoms would travel with me.”

Facing huge obstacles, Lucas plotted her and her sons’ escape. While her husband was out of town, she forged his permission for their travel (a requirement) and a check in his name (she had no access to her own money) to cover their expenses and stole back to the States. She settled in Oregon, living off welfare checks, and, after her husband tracked her down, fought a protracted custody battle, which she won.

All the while, she nursed a dream: to ease the ordeals of other battered women living overseas. In 2001, she started Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center with help from a few small contributions from donors. In 2010, the Department of Justice stepped up with substantial funding. 

With a toll-free hotline in 175 countries, now supports hundreds of American families in more than 67 countries with counseling, travel assistance, legal services, and relocation costs. Today, at least one family returns safely to the United States each month with Lucas’s help.

“We need to make women aware of the obstacles if they find themselves in an abusive situation,” says Lucas, now remarried. “I was one of the lucky ones.”

To read more about AODVCC, visit 866uswomen.org.

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Save Teen from Suicide

Facebook Friends 

Save Teen 

from Suicide

Friends use Facebook to avert a student’s suicide.

                                           By Caitlin O’Connell from Reader's Digest Magazine | December 2012

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Call it a lifesaving twist of fate: One night in February, Danny Manes, 17, and Gary Ramirez, 19, were chatting online about the best way to reach at-risk kids, when they came across a teen’s Facebook status that expressed suicidal feelings. 

“He was posting apologies and goodbyes on his friends’ walls,” remembers Ramirez. Manes and Ramirez, who live in Pueblo, Colorado, were Facebook friends but had never met.

The boys each sent private messages to the troubled teen, who went to Manes’s high school, asking him to reconsider. “We chatted for hours,” says Manes. 

When the boy typed that he still planned to end his life, Ramirez called the police, who arrived at the boy’s home in time to save him. The next day, the boy texted Ramirez: “If it weren’t for you, I’d be dead right now.” “To know that this kid’s life was in our hands was really scary,” says Ramirez.

The boys have since created a teen-suicide-prevention page on Facebook, Hopeline4Teens, and Twitter and Tumblr accounts for EncourageTheYouth, another place where kids can ask for advice, post their thoughts, and support other kids.

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