Advice

7 Secrets 

to Stay Connected 

from 

the Love Lab

Relationship expert John Gottman, PhD, reveals simple acts that make for the must successful marriage.

from Reader's Digest Magazine | October 2012
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Reporters often ask me, “What do couples fight about most?”

My answer is always the same: “Absolutely nothing.” That’s why it’s so important to tamp down tension whenever you can by “turning toward” each other during moments when it might be easier to turn away—what I call sliding-door moments. 

In a telling result from my newlywed study, couples who remained married at the six-year follow-up turned toward each other 86 percent of the time during their stay at the “Love Lab,” our facility at the University of Washington in Seattle, where I study married couples’ behavior. Those who ended up splitting had interacted in this manner only 33 percent of the time.

You can avoid a lot of misery just by responding with interest during trivial incidents.

Since these episodes are seemingly insignificant and fleeting, repairing them is easy. Even if just one of you begins to slide the door open with greater frequency, your relationship will improve. In time, your partner is more likely to walk through that door too.

Learn 7 quick tips from the lab for staying connected >>

1. Pay attention.

This could be as simple as asking, “How do I look?” or noticing things together: “Wow, did you see that boat?!”

2. Help solve problems.

Ask in a way that shows you want and want to give feedback: “What should I do about my boss?”

3. Respond to simple requests.

Even the small ones: “While you’re up, could you get the salsa?”

4.Talk and listen.

Make time to share the big and the small: “Let me tell you what happened when my mom called.”

5. Help manage stress.

Be there for each other: “I think I blew my presentation today.”

6. Work as a team.

Especially when it's really something you co-share: “Let’s get Janey into bed now.”

7. Join in adventures.

Shared experiences will bring you closer: “Want to hike up Turtleback mountain tomorrow?”

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The Newlywed’s Guide

 to a 

Happy Marriage

Don’t go from lovey dovey to angry birds: Here’s your guide to a having a long, happy marriage right from the start.

By Sarì Harrar and Rita DeMaria from from The 7 Stages of Marriage
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What to watch for:

When University of Oklahoma researchers studied newlyweds, they found that expressions of love and affection between a wife and husband drop by half in the first two years of marriage, and researchers find that most couples experience a significant drop in happiness about 18 months after the wedding. Perhaps that’s the reason why national divorce statistics show that most marital splits occur in the first five years—and that couples married for about three years are especially vulnerable. This early, important stage can seem scary, marriage experts say, because we see our own shortcomings reflected in our spouses’ actions now, just as we saw our own sterling qualities reflected in our partners before. Now:It’s time to make love happen instead of waiting for it to happen to you.

1. 
Uncover your hidden marriage expectations.


We all come into marriage with a set of mostly unconscious ideas about how great things will be—that no human spouse can meet. “Expectations like ‘Everything will be fabulous, this is my one true love, this person will make me finally happy, I’ll avoid every mistake I’ve made in the past’ put a huge burden on ourselves and our spouses and our marriages,” says Patty Howell, a relationship counselor and author of World Class Marriage: The Art and Science of Relationship Success. “We judge what’s really happening very harshly when we use those standards.”

2. 
Talk calmly and confidently about your needs and wants.

Your spouse cannot read your mind. Many spouses report that sharing their feelings, thoughts, desires, and expectations feels scary; others just don’t know how.

Why it’s vital: Clamming up in order to preserve the status quo will just leave you resentful and angry and keeps your spouse in the dark. Coming on too strong will put your partner on the defensive.

3. 
Listen empathetically to your spouse.


Create a safe heaven where your partner can reveal his or her innermost emotions, thoughts, ideas, and expectations—without your jumping to conclusions, inadvertently criticizing your partner’s vulnerable feelings, or trying to fix things when your spouse simply needs a listening ear. The combination of open, honest talk and empathetic listening fosters acceptance and deeper understanding—making the two of you feel safer and closer.



4. 
Be your real, full self and let your spouse be, too.


New research from the University of California, Los Angeles, finds that newlyweds who act as friends as well as lovers have happier marriages. Try to be more genuine, more empathetic, and more accepting—friendship skills that go beyond communication techniques to bring your heart, soul, and whole being into your relationship.



5. 
Sort out the laundry...and the dishes...and the vacuuming.


Housework can be an early battleground for couples. Think about how to get past traditional roles and divide the work fairly. Don't be afraid to talk about it and make plans—it's not a petty subject.

6. 
Become expert money managers.


No subject sparks more couples conflicts than money. Research shows that newlyweds today face a new challenge: significant debt brought into marriage from school loans, car payments, credit cards, medical bills, and the wedding and honeymoon. 

Find out how your money personalities can work for—not against—you as you set a calm, organized course toward meeting your financial goals and achieving your dreams.

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The Happy Relationship:8 Tips to Avoid Marriage Counseling


Experts say for a happy relationship, it’s important to heighten and reinforce your sense of oneness, then guard and protect it.

By Sarì Harrar and Rita DeMaria Ph.D from The 7 Stages of Marriage

1. Make your relationship a priority.

The mental shift from me to we can be startling: You’re a team—responsible to someone else in a new and profound way. Claudia Arp, who with her husband, David, founded Marriage Alive International and co-authored marriage books including 10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage, comments, “We see a lot of husbands and wives who never, ever reprioritize their relationship after marriage. 

They’re still entwined with their family of origin, putting their parents and siblings first. Or they’ve been on their own for years and don’t realize that their friends or job or other interests no longer take precedence. You need to be able to say ‘My spouse comes first.’ This is your anchor relationship. If you establish this now, it will be easier to hold on to when life becomes more complicated later in your marriage.” 

Marriage and sex therapist, Pat Love, Ed.D., says, “In our culture, we don’t do ‘we’ very well. We’re better at autonomy: I can take care of myself, I can give to you. But being a real unit means taking another step: making the relationship itself a priority. Other cultures do this much better—the Japanese have a concept called amae, which loosely translated means the delicious experience of interdependence. It’s a goal worth striving for.”

2. Create couples rituals.

Establishing a healthy boundary around your union isn’t always easy: When University of California, Los Angeles, researchers interviewed 172 newlywed couples, problems with in-laws and other relatives ranked with communication, money management, and moodiness as top challenges. Do something regularly that bonds you, such as 10 minutes to chat before bed, always having morning coffee together, listening to music, or saving Saturday for date night. Give yourself permission to cocoon.

3. Check in daily.

Marriage experts recommend couples do something that big business has employed for decades to keep workers happy, productive, and in the loop: hold regular team meetings. Luckily, yours will be more fun than listening to Bob from accounting go over the last month’s sales numbers. One version of the daily check-in helps couples keep communication flowing freely with an agenda. 

• Start by appreciating something about each other.• Offer up some new information from your day.• Ask your spouse about something that has bothered or puzzled you (or something about yourself).• Make a nonjudgmental, complaint-free request (“Please fold the towels when you do the laundry. I couldn’t find any this morning after my shower.”).• And end with a hope that could be small (“I hope we can go see that new movie Friday night”) or lavish (“I’d love to retire at age 50 and sail the Mediterranean with you.”).

4. Ask: Is it good for our relationship?

When you bump up against any important decision in your marriage, don’t just talk about whether it’s good for you and for your spouse. Make it a point to talk about and think about whether it’s good for your marriage. “You’ll know the answer almost intuitively if you stop and ponder it,” Dr. Love notes. 

This may come down to how much time something will take away from your time together, whether it will make things stressful between you, or if it involves people who in some way threaten your relationship (lunch with your ex, for example). 

If you don’t even want to ask the question, that’s a red flag that whatever it is—from working late to “surprising” your spouse with an expensive new living room sofa to making individual plans on your usual date night—isn’t going to be good for your marriage.

5. Create a code word for love.

Remember the elementary school joke about “olive juice” — say this silly phrase, and your mouth automatically makes the same movements as when you say “I love you.” Find a secret way to express your love that only the two of you understand. It comes in handy if your spouse calls when the boss is standing beside your desk, and creates that “just us” feeling anytime you use it.

6. Build healthy boundaries.

Marriages need what experts call a semi-permeable boundary that allows friends and family to connect with you but that doesn’t interfere with your own desires and plans. This can be especially complicated when it comes to your families of origin. 

The biggest challenge is often deciding how you’ll handle the holidays. Will it be his family’s house, yours, or will you start a new tradition in your own home? How often will you talk on the phone or visit—and how much will you share about the details of your marriage? “Parents can work with or against a new couple,” Claudia Arp says. “They need to be getting on with their own marriage, going from being child-focused to partner-focused. Your marriage can be a transition time for them as well. Don’t cut them off—you really need that love and support. Do communicate your decisions about your needs in a kind, calm way.”

7. Cheer each other on.

“One of the most important things to me is that my wife, Rebecca, is for me and I’m for her,” says Lee Potts, a retired computer programmer from St. Louis, Missouri. “It sounds simplistic, but it’s really important. I’ve been married twice before, and I don’t think we had each other’s best interests at heart like this. We had our own agendas.”

Arp suggests that encouraging your partner is one of the most important things you can do for your relationship. “If we don’t, who will? Our bosses and co-workers? Don’t count on it! Our children and teenagers? Ridiculous!” she says. “Our mates need our encouragement.” Three strategies she and her husband recommend in their workshops: Look for the positive in your new spouse; develop a sense of humor; and give honest, specific praise—describe what you appreciate about your spouse.

8. Schedule time for your marriage first.

Don’t relegate your relationship to scraps of leftover time. “In mapping out your schedule for the next several weeks, why not start with writing in date times for you and your mate?” suggest Claudia and David Arp. “Then add discretionary things like golf, shopping, and community volunteer activities.” No time? Wonder why? Do a calendar review. 

You’re overcommitted if friends, visits with your parents and extended family, hobbies, clocking overtime hours on the job, or volunteer and community commitments have crowded out the three kinds of time you need with your beloved: casual catching-up, scheduled dates, and intimate encounters.

Same goes if your evenings are TV marathons or Internet extravaganzas. “Unless you’re willing to make your relationship a higher priority than other relationships and activities, you won’t have a growing marriage,” notes Claudia Arp.

Disconnect from the 24/7 office.

Heavy use of cell phones and devices can mute your happiness and dial up stress in your home, University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee researchers found recently. The study tracked the technology use and moods of 1,367 women and men for two years. 

Those who sent and received the most calls and messages were also most likely to say that this “work spillover” left them tired and distracted at home. “Technology is really blurring the lines between home and work,” says lead researcher Noelle Chesley, an assistant professor of sociology at the university.

 “That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It may give you more flexibility. But your boss doesn’t tend to call you with the good news—you don’t hear that you’ve done a great job on the project; you do hear that suddenly there’s a deadline crisis.” 

Setting limits could lift on-call stress: Check e-mail once in the evening. If a call’s not urgent, muster the courage to say, “I’ll look into it first thing in the morning.” And simply turn off your cell phone or laptop at a certain time in the evening.

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